falling down the rabbit hole.
Needless to say, I’ve got my copy of the Alice in Wonderland remake 
My adorable, overweight cat got run over last night and I still don’t know how to feel about it. He wasn’t that old, and he wasn’t a person but it still shocked and upset me… It made me think about life though, how life IS short (shorter if you’re a cat who runs across roads) and about how simple his life was… I suppose he’s not missing that much.
Contrarywise, I feel a major step backward in my mental wellbeing. I went from a mess, to a hardworking mess, to a slob, to normal, to an emotional mess once more.
I am paranoid, unhappy, frustrated, scared, tired, emotional, jealous, disappointed and irritable all at the same time. I want to waste my days away doing nothing, and when I do, I punish myself for being so pointless and wasting time and guilt myself into thoughts of failiure.
A great friend of mine once said; “You work harder than most of us…” Not only do I selfishly feel this is true but I loathe how I don’t get anything back from it. I keep making all these irrelevant and unwanted back-up plans through certainty that the Medicine degree that I actually dream of doing, I won’t get to do, no matter how much hard work I put in. I am insanely jealous of those artsy types, who don’t care if they have money, who look glamourously grunge and lay around in the sun all day and call it “work” while they have mental explosions. These they will later document on paper, or whichever is their preferred medium for their emotions. I admit that noone ever said my plan was an easy one, but they forgot to mention, that for me personally, it will be nigh impossible.
This time next year, I am supposed to be applying to University, and if I haven’t got straight A’s this year-which I know I haven’t-I’ll have to conjure up a plan to prevent me ending up scrounging off my already-poor mother for years.
I am so incredibly sick of the way I look, and how everyone around me is not honest about my weight or my clothes. I know how bad I look and I can tell someone lying to my face.
I need a new job, so I can get money, so I can create fake happiness by buying clothes that don’t fit me.
And now, for a picture of Marina… Why can’t I look like this plzkthx?
yum.
Filed under: just...bizarre., mindless self indulgence. | Leave a Comment
Tags: alice, exams, failiure, marina, mental, money, weight
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