And all you want is an embrace.

Other times, the world is your oyster,

And I am proud of your determination.

Today is the beginning of a new me. New look, new attitude, new everything. I don’t wish to always be stuck in self pity and unhappiness. I am sick of being vulnerable and when I have my future to look forward to and wonderful people to meet and so many things left to experience, I may as well enjoy it.

Next week, I am hopefully coming off these awful pills which means I should lose that excess weight. I want to go on a detox diet, less sugar, no fats, healthy food. I will today tidy my room, move things around, throw out old junk and clean, completely. I will sort out a charity bag for all my old clothes, which are taking up room that I don’t have. I want to put up inspirational pictures on my wall, and write myself a to-do list to deal with my lack of organisation. I also want new curtains which block out the light completely, to help with my insomnia.

I’ve been inspired. I feel alive.

A bientot.

this woman is very beautiful.

My adorable, overweight cat got run over last night and I still don’t know how to feel about it. He wasn’t that old, and he wasn’t a person but it still shocked and upset me… It made me think about life though, how life IS short (shorter if you’re a cat who runs across roads) and about how simple his life was… I suppose he’s not missing that much.

Contrarywise, I feel a major step backward in my mental wellbeing. I went from a mess, to a hardworking mess, to a slob, to normal, to an emotional mess once more.

I am paranoid, unhappy, frustrated, scared, tired, emotional, jealous, disappointed and irritable all at the same time. I want to waste my days away doing nothing, and when I do, I punish myself for being so pointless and wasting time and guilt myself into thoughts of failiure.

A great friend of mine once said; “You work harder than most of us…” Not only do I selfishly feel this is true but I loathe how I don’t get anything back from it. I keep making all these irrelevant and unwanted back-up plans through certainty that the Medicine degree that I actually dream of doing, I won’t get to do, no matter how much hard work I put in. I am insanely jealous of those artsy types, who don’t care if they have money, who look glamourously grunge and lay around in the sun all day and call it “work” while they have mental explosions. These they will later document on paper, or whichever is their preferred medium for their emotions. I admit that noone ever said my plan was an easy one, but they forgot to mention, that for me personally, it will be nigh impossible.

This time next year, I am supposed to be applying to University, and if I haven’t got straight A’s this year-which I know I haven’t-I’ll have to conjure up a plan to prevent me ending up scrounging off my already-poor mother for years.

I am so incredibly sick of the way I look, and how everyone around me is not honest about my weight or my clothes. I know how bad I look and I can tell someone lying to my face.

I need a new job, so I can get money, so I can create fake happiness by buying clothes that don’t fit me.

And now, for a picture of Marina… Why can’t I look like this plzkthx?

yum.

More on that later…

I have finally learnt the importance of the littlest things, and how one cannot just tiptoe through life not facing the problems ahead.

I have learnt who my wonderful friends are, and more importantly why. I have learnt how, when you cannot sleep, tucking into a good book that you know your way around well can help. I have come to discover that although it is hard work and sacrifice, love can last, relationships can grow-as can the people in them- and the importance of letting the loved one know that you really do appreciate them. I have also learnt the importance of tolerance, as I mature and develop my own opinions which aren’t always ones that the people around me follow. Finally, I have learnt discipline, and as I studiously work towards my AS exams, although tiring, I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Still…we move along.

One of the notes Elena left behind.

This is probably old news to most of you but I heard a heart-warming story the other day.

A six-year old girl with brain cancer began to leave her parents little notes around the house. She drew pictures and messages of love to leave behind for when she passed away inbetween books, in drawers etc.

Her parents are still finding the notes now, after she passed away in 2007 and they say that “each one is like a little hug from her”.

I think that this a beautiful idea, and it is so sad that someone so special passed away. I hope that her parents find peace and that the “notes left behind” give them the strength to carry on even though their daughter is gone.

The arctic reindeer are prone to getting nipped at “biting flies”. These flies can drink up to a pint of blood in a day and so pose a real threat to Rudolph and his friends.

So the reindeer run to higher ground to get away from the flies but in said process, it is almost certain that one of the straggling calves gets left behind. After this, it is alone and lost and will be eaten by vultures, quicker than it’s mother can find it again…

…and we thought we had problems.

In my modern-day generation, we decide to “blog” our feelings, as a vent for our frustrations with people, concepts and ideas.

We use our blogs to create attention where we feel it lacking. We use them to create a persona more exciting and literate or blasé and bitchy than our own. We use them to get back at the little person who spilt our drink, or the overweight bully from junior school.

“Why am I here?”

An escape, a vent, a new persona-all three. But I will try, dear reader, the act of telepathy to you and you alone.

“Sowisa babyluv” for those of you who are blissfully unware of my URL is a simple yet beautiful quotation from the great Stephen King in his 2006 novel, “Lisey’s Story”.

It is a phrase used by the late Scott Landon to his wife Lisey. ‘Babyluv’ was merely a term of endearment and ‘sowisa’…

“Strap On Whenever It Seems Appropriate.”

Anyway, removing myself from my King tangent, almost, my page will aim to get my voice heard. To write what I know, what I fear I will never know and what I want you to know in the end.

I finish with another quotation, this time from “On Writing”;

We’re having a meeting of the minds… We’ve engaged in an act of telepathy. Not mythy-mountain shit; real telepathy.

“In my dreams, I am a sophisticated, successful glamour-ridden writer for a glossy magazine in New York City. I plaster my lips with Dior red lipstick and I’ve constantly got a cigarillo between my long, spindly fingers. My name would be something long and beautiful that rolls gently off of the tongue and dances on paper. Something like Lolita-the sounds are so beautiful…

…I’ve always noticed I was different but I didn’t see it as a bad thing. My mother called me Jenna, after a character in TV sitcom Dallas. She was a gorgeous young woman played by none other than Miss Priscilla Presley and Mum hoped I’d be just as stunning. More pity her…

…I was born in a little town on the very edge of London called Watford. It was and still is the dirty suburban area of the county Hertfordshire, but to me, it was a heaven and it was my childhood…

…As a baby, whose father left her due to mental illness, my mother did her best at raising me alone. Her love compensated for only having one parent. I grew into an inquisitive and intelligent child, said to have started simple reading at the age of two. I was eager to learn and had loving family to help me do so…

…Mother was lonely, and I recall meeting many boyfriends who fluttered into my life and destroyed her happiness for one reason or another…

…At school, I had a few wonderfully close friends and we would play the most imaginative games. There was no racism, or cliques. We were blissfully and beautifully united…”